It isnt not being able to get laid what is a demisexual

By Marnie Vinall July 18, 2021 â€" 6.00am

When Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo, the daughter of New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo, recently said she identified as demisexual, ears pricked up.

The 23-year-old revealed on an Instagram live that she is demisexual after previously identifying as pansexual and prior to that bisexual and gay. Demisexuality, Kennedy-Cuomo explained, is a term she is currently exploring and happens to be what resonates with her most in terms of her own sexual identity.

Michaela Kennedy-Cuomo, the daughter of New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo, recently said she identified as demisexual.Credit:iStock

What does it mean to be demisexual?

Demisexuality, which was coined about 2006 and became more widespread in 2008 according to The Asexual Vibsibility & Education Network, exists along the asexual spectrum, says Dr Megan Carrol, assistant professor at California State University San Bernardino, who researches asexualities and identifies as asexual.

“Demisexuality is a type of asexuality where people do not experience sexual attraction unless they have formed a close emotional bond with someone â€" and even then, a close emotional bond doesn’t guarantee sexual attraction,” she says.

Put simply, demisexual people have difficulty in feeling sexual attraction to someone they are not friends with first or have some sort of connection with.

I’m hearing murmurs to the beat of ‘yeah, isn’t that everyone?’

Carrol acknowledges some confusion can arise around demisexuality because a lot of people experience greater sexual attraction once emotional bonds are formed.

Cue the collective eye roll from certain circles who suggest the term demisexuality merely describes Generation Z’s rejection of hook-up culture for a cooler alternative. For this Zillennial writer, I’ve laid witness to such commentary, including the accusation that many young people are merely attention-seeking and just want to be seen as anything other than straight.

But Carrol says demisexuality is different from the sort of normative progression most experience “because demis just feel nothing without that emotional bond. Like no sexual attraction at all.”

Speaking of... what about sex?

Elle Rose, 28, a demisexual writer and artist from Indiana agrees with Carrol and says demisexuality doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like sex, or doesn’t have it. It isn’t abstinence or celibacy either, though people who identify as demisexual might be abstinent or celibate.

“Demisexuality isn’t not being able to get laid,” says Rose. “It isn’t even hating sex or slut-shaming â€" if sex makes you happy and it’s consensual, go for it.”

“The main difference between us and people who just don’t really get attracted to someone until they know them is the very important distinction that we can’t. It’s a very small, simple difference, but also very important.”

Yetso, 30

Rose says the sexuality is a lot harder to label because you’re asking people to learn about asexuality, “which many already don’t think is real, and then you’re asking them to delve into this experience and spectrum they already have trouble believing exists.”

She says her community’s stories, including asexual, demisexual and graysexual (people who experience limited or rare sexual attraction, which Rose also identifies with), are rarely told in a culture that’s oversaturated in sexual content and love stories that feature the pursuit of sex. And when they are mentioned, it’s often a joke or poorly explained.

“So, you have this pervasive idea that everyone is demisexual, a misunderstanding of the basics of asexuality,” says Rose.

Which brings us back to asexuality being a spectrum.

Dr Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli, independent researcher at Deakin University and founding member of the Australian GLBTIQ Multicultural Council Inc. (AGMC) says labels such as asexual and demisexual are useful in helping people understand who they are and communicate that to others.

“The only problem with labels is that people should never feel stuck in a label or feel like that labels never change, and they can’t change,” says Pallotta-Chiarolli. “It’s about an opportunity to provide a name [and] provide a word for things that we are feeling.”

Yetso, 30, (who does not wish to disclose his full name for privacy reasons) is a demisexual who says to him, it’s the inability to have any sexual attraction without a deep connection with the other party, which can vary from needing “the right vibe with someone to needing a very deep-seated emotional connection spanning over a long, long period of time”.

“The main difference between us and people who just don’t really get attracted to someone until they know them is the very important distinction that we can’t. It’s a very small, simple difference, but also very important,” he says.

Because as Kennedy-Cuomo claimed, sexuality can be fluid.

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.

Share this post